So here we are at that time of year. I say I love you and shed a tear. Only now after 16 years I almost cope. And this year I'm really not going to mope. I still love you more than words can say So we're making this a happy, busy day With family and friends all well aware Of just how much my heart has a tear It's the part that ripped when you fell alseep Like the promise to me you just couldn't keep All forgiven but never from my mind at all You are and will forever be my No1 son Paul You showed me grief, you made me a mum In between life was good , bad and then some Twiddle of your fingers and that smirky look That smile of yours got you out my bad book, I'd swap the world to banter, have one more row You're making me giggle just thinking of it now But sadly it's quiet and you're sleeping forever Enjoy the peace until we are back together. Cos earache I owe you is mounting in piles So you'd best be saving up those smiles Until then just enjoy your peaceful sleep And in my heart and mind you I will keep Missing you so much Little un and I forgive you ❤️

Well loads going on and gone on -- sod all is going as expected but we all still get up and carry on I miss you more than anyone knows and more than I thought possible Just let me know you're around occasionally x

Hey dad, I got some good news on Tuesday - my kidney function's stable! I wish you were here really I do because I've messed up big time ... I haven't seen Nan and missed her birthday I havent seen Marc, Gem or Neil since Christmas I only saw Claire and Gaz last night cuz they were at Russell Howard but I don't know what to do because I can't stand being away from them all - I'm missing out on huge things and it's not fair on any of them that they feel like i only use them or now im bored of them i dont care because i do care and id never think of using them because theyre my last link to you and i need that in my life and on top of that theyre my family! i love them all so much it breaks my heart to be away from them but i cant bring myself to face all of this. Looking back through my pictures of me with them all at prom and other pictures makes me remember how happy i am when im there and how much i love them, the dogs and monty but i just cant bring myself to confront my mistakes without my dad. i know you're with me whenever i need you but i would give the rest of my life just to have 10 minutes with you! I've managed to make myself cry so I'm taking it as a sign to stop writing all of this because i can barely see now! You're my amazing dad and i wouldnt change you for the world - the only thing id change is that id be with you!! i love you dad and i promise to make things right i just need time to make myself strong enough to face it all xxx