Hey dad, I got some good news on Tuesday - my kidney function's stable! I wish you were here really I do because I've messed up big time ... I haven't seen Nan and missed her birthday I havent seen Marc, Gem or Neil since Christmas I only saw Claire and Gaz last night cuz they were at Russell Howard but I don't know what to do because I can't stand being away from them all - I'm missing out on huge things and it's not fair on any of them that they feel like i only use them or now im bored of them i dont care because i do care and id never think of using them because theyre my last link to you and i need that in my life and on top of that theyre my family! i love them all so much it breaks my heart to be away from them but i cant bring myself to face all of this. Looking back through my pictures of me with them all at prom and other pictures makes me remember how happy i am when im there and how much i love them, the dogs and monty but i just cant bring myself to confront my mistakes without my dad. i know you're with me whenever i need you but i would give the rest of my life just to have 10 minutes with you! I've managed to make myself cry so I'm taking it as a sign to stop writing all of this because i can barely see now! You're my amazing dad and i wouldnt change you for the world - the only thing id change is that id be with you!! i love you dad and i promise to make things right i just need time to make myself strong enough to face it all xxx