Hey dad, I'm sure you're looking down on me all the time and I wouldn't be surprised if you've been laughing at the random things I get up to with both my family and friends because, lets be honest, I'm a little bit weird at times. If you're looking down on me you'll know that I found a letter and I don't know what to do about it. I know I shouldn't have been looking through stuff but I wanted to see if there was anything else about you but I wasn't expecting that. I'm glad I've found it now because I've got proof you tried to see me (instead of it being everyone's word against each others which is what it's come to at times.) I wish you would've got the chance to watch me grow up. I know I've had over 2 years to get used to the idea that you're not going to come through the front door at nan's house and that you're not going to knock on my door and give me a hug but there are still days when I just can't get my head around it. When I feel like maybe you'll come back one day and tell me you love me as much as I love you because sometimes the thought of making you proud is all that keeps me going ... I know when I was having a rough time at the start of the year I'd see your picture and want to make you proud and that'd give me the motivation to get out of bed, go to college and do something with my life. I know I haven't been the best grand-daughter/niece around to your side of the family recently but I want to make it right not just because they're my family but because they make losing you that little bit easier because it's like having a part of you that can be there for me now and tell me all about you because it helps me feel closer to you. It helps me feel like a proper daughter. I dunno, maybe it'd be different if you were here and I'd be different but I'm trying my best to cope with it all really I am. I've hated being away from them as much as I hate being away from you ... when I saw Marc today for the first time in 8 months I wanted to cry because he's my uncle and your brother and he made prom so special for me and worked so hard to get that tractor for me and Gemma gave me my Monty and I felt like I'd just turned my back on them and I hate that I really didn't mean to. I wish you were here to help me fix this because I don't want to lose them ... I don't want them to think I use them because I don't and I never would! I don't really know why I've written most of this to be honest, I guess I just needed to let it out and letting it out to you gives me a feeling of comfort in some ways because it's as close as I'm going to get to actually coming to you with my problems and you making them better. I hope you understand that I never want to hurt them or you and I never want to lose them. I really miss you Dad and wish that I could be with you - just for 10 minutes just so I can hear your voice and give you a hug because being able to hug my dad is all I've wanted for so long. I love you so much dad.